A few weeks ago I ran up to the top of the San Francisco Peaks. Along the way, I passed this view, which made me pause.
This is the stream of thoughts that followed.
Last time I was here was the day that shook my world upside down.
This was the day my heart truly broke for the first time in a long while. It was also, strangely, a day that my heart ignited, sending me down this path that has been one incredible life.
Heartbreak and a new, brighter life. Together, in a single experience.
Of course, it didn’t all come from that moment. There were a series of events that got me there, and from that moment, I still had much more to go through.
But the story best begins at a single point in time. A day on the snow. A hike up to the best spot on the mountain.… a pause, and then one wild ride.
The day I found myself in the upper bowl was after a long period of time through which I had been managing a good life. I had worked hard to build it. This was my life – it wasn’t perfect, but it was a good one (right?). Well, it certainly had its issues, but if I could just keep working, and if I made sure I didn’t mis-step, I could keep it all intact and continue to move forward to better days.
Marriage was on the horizon. A promotion was in the books. Things were looking good.
Things were feeling terrible.
New Year’s eve, 2019, I came here. The magic of the mountains, ever-present, surrounded me. Snow made the day extra special.
I hiked into the upper bowl, sat down, enjoyed a pocket beer, and looked out on what I was seeing.
The mountains have a certain magic to them. Cover them in snow, take a hike up to tree line, and the magic is impossible to ignore.
I woke up. And when I did, there was no going back. I had fought the truth for too long. There was only one path forward from here.
That truth?
Life isn’t meant to be managed. It is meant to be lived. Experienced fully, completely, by each being as the being that they are.
And if living each day means compromising that which we know to be truth – well, something needs to be changed, or else, the change is going to happen for you. And when it does, it’s not going to be pretty.
The sound of that terrified me. How could I possibly do this thing? The destruction it would cause…. The pain it would create.
But I knew now. I was on top of the world on that mountain. I could see it all clearly. I knew it was the right thing to do and I knew better days were ahead.
Getting to those days, though. Wow. I was in for some heart break.
In a lot of ways, I see parallels between my own story and the story we, as a collective, are facing.
Our world – and the lives we had all been living – we had been keeping it together for a long while, but no longer. The problems that have surfaced bring challenges and even horrors to our lives – the likes of which many of us have never experienced before. We’re all scared. And when we’re scared, we react in a number of interesting ways.
We hide. We buy up all the wine. We hold tight to that which we have.
That’s one way to make it through this life – we learn to manage. We wake up to the day with an attitude that we’re going to keep making it through. It’s scary out. But if we can manage it, we can protect ourselves and those we love.
There’s another way.
This way – it might not be a lot of fun. There’s certainly work to be put in.
And I can tell you, there’s a good chance that you’re going to experience heart break.
Because here’s the facts, my friends.
What is happening in our world – it is heart breaking.
In the same day and age that we can send people into space, read and edit genomes, and enter into chat rooms with people from every corner of the world… we also suffer from the worst health our species has experienced.
Meanwhile, our actions are destroying the planet we live on. We’ve stripped it of its resources, continue to wipe out most other forms of life, and we’ve made a mark such that the entire climate is shifting beyond repair.
We’ve caused some serious damage, my people.
And that’s heart breaking.
And we can keep managing it. We can keep looking at the problems from one dimension, trying to keep it together just enough so that we can go on living our same old lives.
And while we do, the problems are going to keep progressing, and one by one, will keep surfacing.
Back before the shit storms of 2020, we had some nice and comfy lives. It was a bit challenging to make it through the chaos of the day, but we could always return home, kick up our feet, and lose ourselves in a Netflix binge.
Man oh man, those were some nice and comfy days.
Waking up to harsh realities – that is anything but comfortable.
So why would we want to do that if we can manage to keep our wine and Netflix binges and hold out until the storm passes?
Simple answer. Because this storm – it is not going to pass on its own.
People joke about how angry the gods have been this year. People love to talk about our bad luck. It’s been one thing after the next. Fires that destroy entire regions. Pandemic. Our deeply rooted racism that has once again risen to the surface.
Except, this isn’t bad luck. This is action and consequence. This is simply what happens when you ignore the harsh realities. This is what happens when you get by just managing it.
Once upon a time, I did my best to ignore the harsh realities of my own life. I did a good job of managing the issues. I was able to get by.
Then, one by one, each signal got louder. And louder. Until I decided it could no longer be ignored.
Shortly after, the signals coming from the world around me got really loud. One after the other. Pandemic. Murder. Riots. Fires.
I think it’s about time we stop ignoring these issues. It’s time we face up to reality.
It’s time we stop managing the problems in our world. It’s time we stop saying that everything will just be okay. It’s time we look at the truth of what’s happening.
It’s time that we have some courage and risk some heart break.
And when we do, it’s going to be scary. It’s going to hurt.
But I hope that you choose this path, because the alternative to heart break – it’s denial.
We can continue to deny the harsh realities of this world. We can continue to choose our comfy lives.
But if we do, as this year has clearly demonstrated, those problems are going to surface in ways that we have no choice but to witness and experience. And when this happens – the repercussions are catastrophic.
We’re losing the lives of those around us. We’re losing the diverse life on our planet.
If that’s not something work standing up and fighting for, I’m not quite sure what we’re doing here.
Things are different for me now. The life that I’m living today looks completely different than the one that brought me here at the end of last year.
In a lot of ways, things are much harder. In a lot of ways, there’s a lot more hurt each day. And, to be honest, most days I still feel lost in a sea of unknowns.
But this type of pain – it’s different from that which I felt before that fateful day on the mountain. It’s a pain that comes from experiencing truth. It’s a pain that comes from seeing the way things are, and not denying the truth of my life and this world.
And then, when I get past the hard times each day, what I have to face is life – the truest, most beautiful version of it. Because even though I have to face this pain, this year has also led me to some of the most remarkable experiences I’ve ever had. Along the way, it’s brought me to make connections with people I never dreamed I could connect with.
And even better, what I hold today is a vision of where it is all going. I may not have all the answers, but I have a solid idea of what is going to get me there.
Choosing to face my own harsh realities has knocked me down harder than I could have imagined and more times than I thought was possible.
But when I look out at what I see now, it’s a life for myself beyond what had been my wildest dreams.
I’m chasing after my own future based on my own truth. I hope that we, together, can chase after that which will lead us to brighter days.
